It Gets Better When We Get Better

Maybe you have seen the recent “It Gets Better” campaign, in which celebrities urge LGBT youth not to take their own lives. It’s a tragic campaign really, putting the spotlight on how trapped today's kids feel by bullying.

It made me wonder how kids can be so cruel to one another. Then it made me mad. Why is everyone trying to convince the victim not to commit suicide? Why isn’t anyone telling those bullies to stop? And what about their parents? Who are the horrible parents of these horrible kids?

Certainly I’m not one of those parents. I’ve never taught my kids that it’s all right to take out my anger, frustration, and insecurity on someone else. I’ve never acted in a way that would encourage such awful behavior in my children.

It’s not like I’ve ever had a bad day at work then yelled at my five year-old for something as trivial as spilling his water on me at dinner. Or been embarrassed by my three year-old pooping at the public pool then humiliating her by scolding, “only little babies poop in their diapers” in front of her friends. I’ve never made a side comment to my husband about how the waiter at Chevy’s must be kind of stupid to get our order wrong three times in one visit and will be lucky if I don’t complain to his manager. Nope, not me. Or maybe I did – once or twice.

But surely the parents of these bullies do more than lose their temper. They must beat their kids. Or drink themselves into a stupor in front of the children. Or completely neglect them and leave them to lead “Lord of the Flies”-like lives at home. Losing one’s cool occasionally in front of the kids can’t turn them into bullies, right?

Then again, my kids have been yelling and taunting each other a lot. That’s just siblings being siblings, and a kindergartener learning delinquent behavior from the more belligerent kids at school. It couldn't be me. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I had something to do with their recent aggression toward each other.

So I have been trying very hard the last few days not to yell at them at all, not to lose my temper over a five year-old acting five and a three year-old acting three. It isn’t easy – five and three year-olds are pretty evil – and there is a lot of stress in our lives from our environment, the economy, and an ever-growing sleep deficit.

What amazes me, and shames me, is that it has made a difference. They listen about as much as they did before (which is to say, not much), but they treat each other more civilly. They treat me and my husband more civilly. We’ve had fewer tantrums from the kids because their mom is throwing fewer tantrums.

It’s a disturbing realization. How many of us suffer incompetent co-workers, bad drivers, and apathetic service providers all throughout the day and go home feeling just a bit pent up? How many parents take out all the inequities of their crappy day by inadvertently letting off steam at the stupid (sometimes colossally stupid) things their kids do? How often are bullies passing on the hell they catch at home – over getting a bad grade, forgetting to do their chores, talking back to a parent, or being generally lazy and recalcitrant – to someone who is going to shut up and take it (until that someone can’t take it anymore)?

In other words, how many parents essentially bully their kids without realizing it? After all, bullying is inflicting emotional pain and creating a threatening and hostile environment. What’s more painful and hostile than to have your mom or dad go crazy mad at you?

It’s really difficult as a parent to recognize when we’re treating our kids like emotional punching bags. At the end of an immensely bad day, if you come home to a whiny son and a daughter who decides to paint your skirt with strawberry yogurt, the first reaction is to yell and punish them. But that doesn’t make the day any better. Nope. It gets better when we get better, about managing our own hostility and giving our kids a good example of how to treat others.

My Last Word on Prop 8, I Promise!

I have never been much of a political person, but this election year, in the midst of the presidential race and the economic crisis, I have found myself speaking out passionately against Proposition 8, which was the proposition on the California ballot to re-define marriage as between a man and woman, effectively invalidating all same-sex marriages. The proposition passed by such a narrow margin that the votes are still being tallied.

I have been surprised and saddened at how many of my friends and colleagues were undecided or in favor of this proposition, because this is 2008, and I thought that we were at a point where we could all recognize discrimination and take a stand to oppose it.

Every person has a right to express his or her opinion about gay marriage, but we don't have a right to impose our opinion into the constitution and thereby infringe on the rights of others.

So I am compelled to make one more appeal to anyone who supports inserting a discriminatory declaration in our state constitution, because it is never too late to speak up to repeal the proposition.

I ask how anyone can teach one's children that everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord, that everyone deserves a fair shot, that prejudice is wrong, and to do unto others as you would have them treat you, and still support something that legally prohibits two people from declaring their love for one another.

I ask those who would never call an African-American a "nigger", a Chinese person a "chink", or a woman a "whore", why you think this small issue of semantics is not deeply hurtful.

I remind anyone whose spouse is not of the same race, that only a little more than 40 years ago, your love and relationship was not considered the norm and outlawed in almost half of the country.

Finally, I quote from the text upon which this great nation was built:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it...."

And I ask what greater pursuit of happiness there is than the right to marry whom one loves. How do we honestly say that we live by the tenets that forged this country if we are willing to deny someone his or her inalienable rights, simply because we don't fully understand their love. It is love, nevertheless.

Ruining the Planet - One Purchase at a Time

One of my colleagues sent me a curious link to http://www.storyofstuff.com/, which turns out to be an educational, provocative, effective, and thoroughly depressing piece of propaganda about how American consumerism is ruining the planet. After viewing the video, I wondered in horror, "Am I mucking up planet Earth whenever I impulse buy a cute shirt for my son at Target or go for the 2-for-1 special on Chex cereal at the grocery store?"

The basic tenet of storyofstuff.com is that Americans, in their never-ending quest for a good bargain, feed the behemoth of Big Corporations, who lure us into buying more crap in their never-ending quest for making more money. There is conspiracy theory that manufacturers design their products to look great new but break often enough so that people will buy more. These companies also market their stuff to make people feel like they have to have the newest thing to feel worthwhile.

Watch the video and make up your own mind, but if you feel a twinge of guilt at potentially leaving a planet of "X"-ed out trees and dead fish for your kids, what recourse do you have? Does saving the planet mean that you have to be one of those fashion victims on "What Not To Wear", sporting 10-year-old clothing because you shouldn't buy any more just for the sake of vanity? Do you have to use a relic of a computer with Windows 2.1 so that you don't create e-waste?

Saving the world is like going on a diet: we all know it's good for us, and the steps are pretty simple, but doing them is hard unless they can be easily incorporated into our everyday lives. The section titled "Another Way" on the web site has some good suggestions that are easy to follow. Here are some more:

1. You don't need a phone that takes pics, plays ringtones, syncs with your e-mail, and allows you to access your Wii. My cell phone is 3 years old. It doesn't text message, it doesn't take pictures, it doesn't play MP3 files. I already have other stuff that I bought that does all those things. Resist the urge to get the newest gadget. Where do you think that cell phone goes when you toss it for a new one? It's always less wasteful to make do with the things you have already purchased.


2. Say NO to take-out. One weekend when my husband and I were both sick, we got take out at every meal because we were too tired to cook. We filled up 2 kitchen garbage cans with empty take-out containers. I had a major guilt trip when I saw how much trash we made.


3. Buy in bulk when you can. This doesn't necessarily mean do your grocery shopping at your local Costco, although those warehouse stores are not necessarily bad. I mean buy items contained in the least amount of packaging. For example, I bring a clean plastic container to the store with me and buy my flour in bulk. Try not to buy stuff that is individually packaged; rather, buy the food in a single larger container, and re-use small plastic containers to take individual servings on the go.


4. Read the label. Where was the item produced? What is it made from? How much does it cost? If the price is too good to be true, it probably is. You're better off buying a quality item that costs a little more than a cheap one that may break more easily or be unsafe for you or your family.

I'm still working on the "make do" and "buy less" part when it comes to shoes.