It Wasn't My Idea

Whenever my husband and I argue over something kid-related, and let's be honest, it's always the same argument, a little voice inside me always falls back to the same position, "Well, I'm not the one who wanted kids."

Horrible, right? I'm a bad person and a terrible mother because when things get tough, I always feel like I took on this extra responsibility that I didn't really want in the first place. If you ask my friends, most of them will tell you that they were surprised that we ended up having children. That's because I had said quite clearly on many an occasion that I didn't think I could do the whole parenting gig.

No one is more surprised than I am that I did it (twice) and that I actually enjoy it. That I was capable of investing so much love, time, and effort into the whole endeavor. That I actually have enough patience to watch over my little brood without going completely mental. So do I love being a mom? Yes. Do I regret having kids? No.

But that doesn't change the fact that having them wasn't my idea. So when we come back to the recurring argument - and for the record, that argument is over whether or not said husband is investing enough time and effort into the rearing of his children - I always end up thinking to myself, "It's time to cowboy up, because you were the one who wanted these kids, not me."

I never say it, of course, precisely because it is so very wrong. But I think it. I think, I earn half the household income, so why is it every time a munchkin is sick, I'm the one who has to take a day off to stay home. Why does everyone give me a guilt trip for carving out time for myself to exercise or have dinner with a friend while the husband does the same completely guilt-free? How come Daddy gets extra credit for taking twenty minutes out from surfing the net to play with the kids, but if I give up my whole day to devote to the kids, nobody remembers. Especially since I didn't want to have kids in the first place.

See, there I go again. I guess the crux of the issue isn't really who wanted to start a family first, it's really about parity in parenting. If one parent is the wage earner and the other is the household manager, the roles are more clearly defined. But when both parents have equal responsibility for bringing home the bacon, it's harder to define who's "in charge" of managing the parent-child dynamics. On most days, I gladly take ownership because I love the kids and I'm capable and well, it's just not going to get the attention it needs if I don't. But sometimes, I wish the one who was doggedly persistent about becoming a parent would step up to the plate.

Resisting the Rat Race

As the days grow shorter and the leaves turn from green to gold to red (or rather, here in the Bay Area, the leaves simply yellow at the edges before falling off the trees), parents of 4 year-olds everywhere start to experience anxiety attacks and insomnia as we prepare to enter our babies into the rat race. I don't know about where you live, but here in the Silicon Valley, when our children reach school age, we parents are overwhelmed by the pressure to get our kids into the right kindergarten to get into the right elementary school to get into the right high school to get into the right college to get into the right post-grad program to land the successful career. As you can see, it's pretty much a straight shot from Montessori to that corner office at the Fortune 500 company, and you don't want your child to get behind.

A perfect storm of over-achieving parents, a sucky track record for state public schools, and affluence means that parents here start grooming their kids for success at a young age through a combination of academically rigorous private schools and a plethora of extra-curricular activities. For example, my niece, who just turned 5 in August, takes ballet, jazz/hip-hop, swimming, gymnastics, ice skating, and soccer, on top of being enrolled in a private Mandarin immersion school. Parents fight over that one open slot in the "gifted youth" program like it's the last Tickle-Me-Elmo at Christmas time.

Well, most of us do that. I've horrified many friends and colleagues by telling them we plan to enroll our son in either the neighborhood public school or charter school next year. Even though many of California's public school test scores are in the crapper, our school district gets great scores and consistently boasts that 50% or more of its graduates go on to top universities. So why pay private school tuition when the public school in our district is doing the job?

Still, when I tell other parents about our intentions, they look at me like I suddenly sprouted horns. "How could you short-change your kids like that?", "Don't you love your kids enough to buy them the best education available?" Yes, those are actual questions I have been asked. By my mother, no less.

It's hard not to occasionally fall prey to self-doubt. I don't want my kids to be at a disadvantage later in life. I do want them to get the best opportunities that we can give them.

But I also really want to believe that one can achieve that without putting a 5 year-old in 6 extra-curricular activities on top of an 8-hour academic program at an ultra-competitive private school. I want to believe that with all the pressures my kids will face in adulthood, my husband and I can give them a few years during which to play, explore, and enjoy life without without feeling the pressure that they have to get really good grades because mom and dad have invested a lot of money in their brains (and they definitely feel that pressure, even if they can't articulate it). I want to believe that by staying involved and interested in their education, we as parents can build a foundation for a love of learning that will serve them well in the future.

Maybe I am naive, I'm not sure. But I want to believe that I'm not.

Eggcelent News!

The drought is over. Let the baked goods rain down upon my son and all his little friends! We took E to the allergist for his oral challenge for eggs. And I am thrilled to say that he was able to eat an entire hard boiled egg (although it took him 2 hours to eat it under the watchful monitoring of a nurse) with only a small rash to show for it.

The allergist gave us the OK to introduce small amounts of egg into his diet. This means that cake and cookies and all the other stuff he will spend his adult life trying to resist are now open to him (might as well get a chance to enjoy them now while he can, right?). In fact, he has recommended that we feed him eggs 2-3 times a week in small amounts to build up his tolerance.

This avid baker of a mom could not be more thrilled!

So to commemorate this milestone, I'll be making some cupcakes for him to bring to his Halloween potluck at school (decorated like Spider-Man to go with his costume). The only thing is, he doesn't like frosting (I've never let him have any since I never know if it has milk in it), so while his friends will get the masked Spidey cupcakes, he'll be enjoying his unfrosted Peter Parker cupcake.

Stuff I Love: (iPhone Edition) Lose It! App

With each child, I tacked on an extra five pounds, mostly in my flabby, paunchy gut. For those keeping track, that's a total of 10 pounds on top of the extra 10-15 I've always carried around just for kicks.

I've never been good about losing weight. It's not so much a matter of not exercising enough. I'm the kind of person who will walk up the five flights to my office, walk to the market instead of drive, hit the elliptical, take aerobics classes, etc.

For me, it's all about the food. And I tried everything: low-carb, low-fat, eating foods in a certain order, cutting out wheat, cutting out dairy. Nothing worked. I eventually conceded I don't have the willpower to restrict my diet for the long haul. Then a friend told me about Lose It!, a free app for the iPhone. (Yes, I said it's free, in case you missed that just now.) Lose It! is basically a calorie counter in which you enter your starting weight, your goal weight, and the desired rate of weight loss. It then calculates a daily calorie budget for you, and you keep track of what you eat and how much you exercise.

That's it. It's really simple. I've used it for almost three weeks, and I've lost four pounds so far. And for the first time, I'm actually believing that maybe I can lose all my extra blubber.

Now, the calorie counts are not all accurate. Nor are the burn rates for various exercises. But if you do a little googling, it's easy enough to put in the correct numbers. Why I think it's effective, at least for me, is that it requires me to think about what I eat. And I'm realizing how many empty calories I used to consume. Stuff I wouldn't even remember eating afterwards. The cookie someone left in the breakroom after a meeting? 350 calories. And it wasn't all that good, and that's as many calories as a whole serving of stir-fry at dinner. Dayum!

That's not to say I feel deprived. Looking through my log, I've had stuff like strawberry-rhubarb pie a la mode, double chocolate cookies, green curry chicken, grilled steak fajitas. That's good eating right there. Admittedly, the fat content of my diet isn't anything to be proud of, but the calorie count is doing OK. And if I can make it through the daunting holidays, I will hit my goal weight (which is a nutritionist-recommended weight of 151 pounds, in case you care) by my birthday.

In a nutshell, if you are trying to lose weight, the solution is simple: eat less than you burn. And if you, like me, have trouble knowing how you're doing on that eating:burning ratio, get the Lose It! app for your iPhone. It's easy to use, it's free, and it works. Did I also mention that it's free?

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

Means bringing a whole lot of crap with you when you're travelling with babies. My cousin A is bringing her adorable baby to meet the family in October, which means she is going to be travelling with a 3 month-old.

I remember taking E to Washington DC when he was about 5 months old, and taking V to Hawaii when she was about 4 months old. It seemed like a lot of work at the time (little did I know that it's cake compared to taking a 4 year-old anywhere, including to the mall just a few miles from home), but now, it doesn't seem so bad in hindsight.

Maybe that's because I've probably forgotten most of what I learned about travelling with an infant. Among the things I can recall:

• Breastfeed the baby at take-off and landing (if you're lucky, he will sleep for at least part of the flight)
• Don't try to pack up all the baby stuff and bring it with you - you know how much airlines charge for luggage these days, right? - and buy things like diapers when you arrive (that is, unless you're about to take a hell ride on a cruise ship)
• Ask your airline if a bassinet is available and if it is, try to reserve the seat in front of it. Alternately, if you can afford it, put your baby in his own seat.

I'm sure I learned way more than that, so I'm hoping anyone who might see this post would be willing to share your tips on travelling with Junior.