I've been enjoying a much needed and much appreciated week break in between jobs, and I've had a chance to connect with a lot of my stay-at-home mommy friends. At one lunch date, we found ourselves lamenting about how daddies don't understand the plight of the mother.
"He thinks it's easy," complained one friend of her husband.
"He asked me what I do all day," chimed in another.
What I didn't add was that sometimes I wonder, too. My working mommy friends have a slightly different conversation, about how to balance career and family. Why is soccer practice always at 11:30 on Wednesdays when we have can't-miss meetings with our boss? What's the secret to being able to prep a dinner without having to hit the drive-thru line at the local fast-food joint? Somehow, we have to get all the mothering done along with all the bread-winner crap, too. So how do you not get it all done when you have the whole day and no work responsibilities?
At the end of lunch, my friend closed with, "You know what, who cares if he doesn't get it. I am making my family a priority. You need every fiber of your being devoted to being a mom to keep the family going, and I'm proud of the job I'm doing."
That stung me just a little bit. I have fibers devoted to my job, lots of fibers. Am I short-changing my kids?
After thinking about it, I realize what a disservice we all do to each other as mothers. Mothering comes in all kinds, and they are equally hard and equally valuable. So why dis each other?
Mothering is like air; it fills up the space you have to give it. I have to give time and space (and fibers) to my job. Would I rather be helping the kids with their A-B-C's, teaching them to read, taking them to the library, and getting them to soccer practice? Absolutely. But my job also puts the roof over their heads and shoes on their feet. It funds the insurance that pays for their check-ups. And because my space and time are limited, my husband is much more involved and understands just how tough a gig parenting is.
But I do have days when I look at my stay-at-home mom friends and feel like a cut-rate parent. I spend too much time on the computer. Too much time on the phone. Too much time on the road. Not catching development challenges and milestones early enough. Not being available to take them to activities and classes. Generally not being there enough. Stay-at-home moms are totally devoted to their families' needs, and I can't do that. *sigh*
Let's help each other out and stop dissing how the other side lives. Working moms, stay-at-home moms, single moms (the strongest and bravest of us all!), moms with help, and the moms who have to do it all on their own: it's all equally hard. And all equally valuable.
