A few friends from high school had our monthly moms' night out recently. This time, we decided to invite one of our friends who is still single, so we tried our best not to talk mommy talk. After all, this was our chance to get out of the mommy role and be interesting, vibrant, intelligent, modern women. But it ended up being the most difficult exercise to talk about something besides poopy diapers, when Disney on Ice is coming to town, and how to get one's toddler to have a decent nap.
I drove home in an abject state of disbelief and horror; I have become one of those people, talking ad nauseum about their kids. When did this happen? I went to a good college. I hold down a challenging job at an industry-leading Fortune 500 company. I have interesting opinions on the world around me. At least, I used to.
Aren't we having an election this year? The war is still going on in Iraq. China is doing all sorts of weird things as it frantically prepares to host the Olympics. The Giants staged a major upset over the Patriots in the Super Bowl. And Britney Spears has gone nine kinds of crazy since shaving her head. So why can't I have a conversation about anything more interesting than the Little Gym class into which I just enrolled E?
We ended the evening by inviting our single friend to keep joining us, because we really miss seeing her and because her presence helps steer the conversation to non-mommy topics. But just to encourage her to come again, we promised next month we would see a movie instead (hopefully one that is rated R), so that there would be a much smaller chance of slipping into mommy talk.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The Mom with the Most Balls
My friend, who is expecting her second baby later this year, asked me how one is able to raise two children. With defeat misting up in her eyes and a crack in her voice, she confessed to me, "I don't think I can do this. I'm already such a bad Mom now with only one. How will I be able to handle two?" She continued, "You are so much better than me: you work full-time, you run the household, you have two kids, and you're still breastfeeding...Gosh, you do it all."
I had to apologize to her, if anything in my deportment implied that I could, and in fact, did do it all. Under the surface, we are all frantically trying to hold it together. My only advantage over my friend is that, in my line of work, the ability to bullshit is called upon daily, so I am better at faking an air of competence.
There is this myth that the modern woman can balance career, family, and self, like those Chinese acrobats spinning countless plates on sticks. In reality, it is more of a constant juggling act to be a mom today, grasping at one thing and tossing something else off to be dealt with on another day. And we women tend to compare ourselves to each other- as if we were cars or appliances, assigning a value to ourselves based on who is juggling the most. But the fact of the matter is that it's a silly way to judge your worth as a mother. At the end of the day, the mom with the most balls in the air isn't the winner, she is the most exhausted one of us all.
It's much better to know how many balls you can juggle and set your limits accordingly. That doesn't mean you can only have three balls if that's all you can juggle; it means delegating someone to hold on to a few balls for you every now and then. I have learned that the secret to maximizing yourself as a mother is to set limits, ask for help when you need it, and accept assistance graciously when it's offered. And on those days when you find yourself having to juggle more than you are comfortable with, put a smile on your face and fake it.
I had to apologize to her, if anything in my deportment implied that I could, and in fact, did do it all. Under the surface, we are all frantically trying to hold it together. My only advantage over my friend is that, in my line of work, the ability to bullshit is called upon daily, so I am better at faking an air of competence.
There is this myth that the modern woman can balance career, family, and self, like those Chinese acrobats spinning countless plates on sticks. In reality, it is more of a constant juggling act to be a mom today, grasping at one thing and tossing something else off to be dealt with on another day. And we women tend to compare ourselves to each other- as if we were cars or appliances, assigning a value to ourselves based on who is juggling the most. But the fact of the matter is that it's a silly way to judge your worth as a mother. At the end of the day, the mom with the most balls in the air isn't the winner, she is the most exhausted one of us all.
It's much better to know how many balls you can juggle and set your limits accordingly. That doesn't mean you can only have three balls if that's all you can juggle; it means delegating someone to hold on to a few balls for you every now and then. I have learned that the secret to maximizing yourself as a mother is to set limits, ask for help when you need it, and accept assistance graciously when it's offered. And on those days when you find yourself having to juggle more than you are comfortable with, put a smile on your face and fake it.
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