After E's birthday party, we sat down together to open presents. E received a variety of gifts, from puzzles to baseball equipment to art supplies to toy cars. I was probably even more excited than he was at the things he received that I have an interest in: paints and brushes, puzzles, and more track kits for his GeoTrax collection. I envisioned us painting together, putting together new train track configurations, and laughing and having fun conversation as we assembled the puzzles.
The baseball, basketball, and golf sets? Meh. Maybe there is a gift receipt and I could return them for something I knew E enjoyed more. After all, he has shown no interest in sports whatsoever.
So imagine my surprise when the thing he wanted to play with most was his T-ball set! And a double surprise that he was actually really good at hitting the whiffle ball. My son, a natural athlete? Who knew??? He and his daddy were having so much fun playing T-ball on the front lawn that I couldn't help but start to like baseball a little more just watching them play together.
Then E said, "I want Mommy hit the ball." Oh no, baseball is not my thing; I was Miss Picked-Last-By-Team-Captains-During-PE from kindergarten to my senior year in high school. I was enjoying being a spectator, and I really didn't want him to see his mommy striking out.
I got my third surprise of the day when I was able to hit the ball that the machine pitched to me. And after a few swings, I was hitting line drives between first and second base. Guess who is playing with E out on the front lawn these days? Daddy is happy to catch a quick nap after work while Mommy and E play T-ball.
And to think I almost returned that toy! So this is a little reminder to myself not to impose my own likes and dislikes on my kids, and also to keep an open mind about what time with them can teach me about myself as well.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Under Pressure
The rat race starts early here in the Silicon Valley. Parents cram their children's days with extra-curricular activities in order to get them into the right grammar school so they can get into the right high school so they can get into the right college. Children end up with tremendous pressure on their slight shoulders and little time to be kids.
My niece P is a prime example. She is currently enrolled in one of the most academically rigorous schools in the area. She also takes gymnastics, swimming, ice skating, and Chinese. Her mother wants to enroll her in a dance class and music class as well. By the way, my niece is three.
My sister-in-law says that P enjoys all these activities, and it's better for her to learn new things than just sit around and watch TV all day. All these things are fun as well as educational, and P is a happy, bright girl - she's not a basketcase or sullen from her full schedule, so what's the problem?
Well, since you asked....
I see two main problems: (1) Kids at P's age can't necessarily articulate that they are feeling pressure or stress, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it, and (2) if one's child is in a rigorous academic school setting from 8am - 5pm and taking four extra-curricular activities in addition, how much time does she spend with her parents?
Let's talk about problem #2 first, because some would argue that there is extensive driving time involved and parent participation in the classes. In P's case, there is a lot of driving time, but since she is three, most of the extra-curricular classes are no longer parent participation (for which my sister-in-law is extremely grateful). I don't know about you, but I consider the time I shuttle my kids around a good opportunity to chat with them (if they're in the mood to talk). Quality time together, however, it is not.
Children still learn primarily by example, and their most significant role models are their parents. So instead of plopping P into an ice skating class, why not take her ice skating and have a good time? And herein lies my biggest beef: the use of extra-curricular activities as a substitute for real parenting. My sister-in-law has often said that she doesn't have patience to answer all of P's questions or to wait for her while she learns something new. She claims that it's better for P to spend time with "trained professionals".
And that brings me back to problem #1. Children at P's age can't express the complexity of what they feel; they can say they are happy, sad, or mad. But they do perceive everything, even if they can't say it. Kids know when their parents are fighting even if the parents don't fight in front of them. They can tell in a very short time who will give them what they want, who will not listen to what they have to say, and who has patience with them. They can certainly tell if their parents would rather not spend time with them.
And they innately want to please their parents and gain their parents' affection and attention. So P may say that she enjoys doing all those things because some of those activities are fun for her, but she may also say she enjoys them because she senses that "Mommy is happy if I go do this thing". Either way, she will only be able to say that she likes it. The bottom line is that taking on that many activities would be hard for an older child, a teenager, or even an adult. Why would anyone expect that a three year-old could handle it?
My niece P is a prime example. She is currently enrolled in one of the most academically rigorous schools in the area. She also takes gymnastics, swimming, ice skating, and Chinese. Her mother wants to enroll her in a dance class and music class as well. By the way, my niece is three.
My sister-in-law says that P enjoys all these activities, and it's better for her to learn new things than just sit around and watch TV all day. All these things are fun as well as educational, and P is a happy, bright girl - she's not a basketcase or sullen from her full schedule, so what's the problem?
Well, since you asked....
I see two main problems: (1) Kids at P's age can't necessarily articulate that they are feeling pressure or stress, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it, and (2) if one's child is in a rigorous academic school setting from 8am - 5pm and taking four extra-curricular activities in addition, how much time does she spend with her parents?
Let's talk about problem #2 first, because some would argue that there is extensive driving time involved and parent participation in the classes. In P's case, there is a lot of driving time, but since she is three, most of the extra-curricular classes are no longer parent participation (for which my sister-in-law is extremely grateful). I don't know about you, but I consider the time I shuttle my kids around a good opportunity to chat with them (if they're in the mood to talk). Quality time together, however, it is not.
Children still learn primarily by example, and their most significant role models are their parents. So instead of plopping P into an ice skating class, why not take her ice skating and have a good time? And herein lies my biggest beef: the use of extra-curricular activities as a substitute for real parenting. My sister-in-law has often said that she doesn't have patience to answer all of P's questions or to wait for her while she learns something new. She claims that it's better for P to spend time with "trained professionals".
And that brings me back to problem #1. Children at P's age can't express the complexity of what they feel; they can say they are happy, sad, or mad. But they do perceive everything, even if they can't say it. Kids know when their parents are fighting even if the parents don't fight in front of them. They can tell in a very short time who will give them what they want, who will not listen to what they have to say, and who has patience with them. They can certainly tell if their parents would rather not spend time with them.
And they innately want to please their parents and gain their parents' affection and attention. So P may say that she enjoys doing all those things because some of those activities are fun for her, but she may also say she enjoys them because she senses that "Mommy is happy if I go do this thing". Either way, she will only be able to say that she likes it. The bottom line is that taking on that many activities would be hard for an older child, a teenager, or even an adult. Why would anyone expect that a three year-old could handle it?
Saturday, March 15, 2008
My Boobs Surrender
Back in January, I weaned V from six nursing sessions a day to five. After all, she was eight months old by then and eating a variety of solids. The plan was to cut one nursing every other month until I got down to three times a day. The plan was solid: four nursings at ten months, then three nursings at a year, and then I would let V determine when to wean altogether.
It turns out that V is ready now, at 10 months old. Mornings and bedtimes, she is a voracious little eater at the breast, but the rest of the day... meh. She'd rather crawl, babble, suck on her fingers, grab the nearest toy (that would be defined as anything in her reach), or just stare at me and laugh.
Like any mother would do, my first instinct was to blame myself: Am I not making enough milk? Is it something in my diet? Am I too stressed out from work to let down? (Hey, when did my Mom rent a space in my inner monologue?!) Then like any good Chinese mom, I blamed V: Is she not latching well because of her teething and getting frustrated? Is her wiggling preventing the let down from happening?
It turns out she's just ready early, not like E who I breastfed until he was 15 months old. Not that I haven't tried everything I could think of to prolong the breastfeeding. I have tried pumping to increase supply, as well as fenugreek (which it turns out can cause massive diarrhea in about 10% of the people who take it, and I'm one of those lucky 10%). I tried sensory deprivation, feeding her in a pitch black room with no sound (that would be the toilet closet of one of our bathrooms - very sanitary eh?). I tried feeding her consistently at the same time.
It's only been six weeks since V lost interest, so obviously I haven't tried anything for that long a duration, but between the fenugreek and the sensory deprivation, I can sit on my toilet for only so long. I finally decided that if she doesn't want it, why should I continually try to force it on her? It's just causing me more stress.
So I still offer her the breast, and if she's not interested, I pump what little I can. I just bought some formula yesterday, and she seems OK drinking it from a bottle or cup. The formula is still my backup for now, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that V will probably be fully weaned by the time she turns one.
I don't know why it seems so bittersweet that she's not interested anymore. Breastfeeding is kind of a pain. And I still have our early morning and late night cuddle-time. Maybe I just miss all the extra calories I would burn. Maybe I have been brainwashed by the lactation nazis who say that mothers who don't breastfeed for the entire first year don't really love their children.
But at the end of the day, the one person for whom the breastfeeding matters most is interested in doing something else, so if she is giving me permission to let it go, I guess I should graciously accept it.
It turns out that V is ready now, at 10 months old. Mornings and bedtimes, she is a voracious little eater at the breast, but the rest of the day... meh. She'd rather crawl, babble, suck on her fingers, grab the nearest toy (that would be defined as anything in her reach), or just stare at me and laugh.
Like any mother would do, my first instinct was to blame myself: Am I not making enough milk? Is it something in my diet? Am I too stressed out from work to let down? (Hey, when did my Mom rent a space in my inner monologue?!) Then like any good Chinese mom, I blamed V: Is she not latching well because of her teething and getting frustrated? Is her wiggling preventing the let down from happening?
It turns out she's just ready early, not like E who I breastfed until he was 15 months old. Not that I haven't tried everything I could think of to prolong the breastfeeding. I have tried pumping to increase supply, as well as fenugreek (which it turns out can cause massive diarrhea in about 10% of the people who take it, and I'm one of those lucky 10%). I tried sensory deprivation, feeding her in a pitch black room with no sound (that would be the toilet closet of one of our bathrooms - very sanitary eh?). I tried feeding her consistently at the same time.
It's only been six weeks since V lost interest, so obviously I haven't tried anything for that long a duration, but between the fenugreek and the sensory deprivation, I can sit on my toilet for only so long. I finally decided that if she doesn't want it, why should I continually try to force it on her? It's just causing me more stress.
So I still offer her the breast, and if she's not interested, I pump what little I can. I just bought some formula yesterday, and she seems OK drinking it from a bottle or cup. The formula is still my backup for now, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that V will probably be fully weaned by the time she turns one.
I don't know why it seems so bittersweet that she's not interested anymore. Breastfeeding is kind of a pain. And I still have our early morning and late night cuddle-time. Maybe I just miss all the extra calories I would burn. Maybe I have been brainwashed by the lactation nazis who say that mothers who don't breastfeed for the entire first year don't really love their children.
But at the end of the day, the one person for whom the breastfeeding matters most is interested in doing something else, so if she is giving me permission to let it go, I guess I should graciously accept it.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Happy Birthday, E!
Today is my son E's third birthday. He was acting very "3" today, but all in all, he was well-behaved and gracious in accepting all the special exceptions he was granted in honor of his big day: opening presents; TV after dinner; ice cream (ok, soy ice cream) for dessert. He even consented to sit on the potty twice tonight in a cursory show of cooperation in our potty training efforts.
Until I got pregnant, I didn't really think that I would have kids (neither did my friends). And after I got pregnant, I wasn't sure if the whole mommy thing would take. So imagine my surprise to find that I love being a mom, and that on this day, I feel like I am the one who got the best present of all.
Happy Birthday, E!
Until I got pregnant, I didn't really think that I would have kids (neither did my friends). And after I got pregnant, I wasn't sure if the whole mommy thing would take. So imagine my surprise to find that I love being a mom, and that on this day, I feel like I am the one who got the best present of all.
Happy Birthday, E!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I Never Thought I Would Be That Kind of Model
I confess that I am addicted to supermodel reality TV. America's Next Top Model and Make Me A Supermodel are my guilty pleasures. I guess it's because I feel that I've missed my calling to be a supermodel (if you have seen me, you would know that I kid - I'm being funny, not delusional). But I often find myself yelling at the girls in these competitions, "You better work that runway, girlfriend!" "Remember to sell the garment you are modeling!" "That one has no idea how to pose for the camera."
Supermodel as a profession sounds great, doesn't it? I used to have lofty career aspirations, too (although never absurd ones such as supermodel or pop star, like most girls do today). But something weird happened after I had kids: I stopped caring about career climbing. It used to be that when my manager asked me what my goals are, I had ideas about the next promotion, getting on the right "track" (leadership track, management track, etc).
If you ask me now what my goal is, it's to be a good role model for my kids. That means being a kind person, being good for the planet, having integrity, demonstrating a positive outlook in life, and following through on the things that matter.
My career aspirations these days revolve around how I incorporate those role model qualities into my job. It can be especially hard to demonstrate a positive outlook when one is surrounded by office politics and climbers who are only working towards that next promotion. At the same time, there is something liberating about not caring about all of that stuff and just focusing on how to be the person I want my children to admire and emulate.
When I think about it, being a person that others look up to is a pretty worthwhile ambition, why hasn't it been my goal all along?
Supermodel as a profession sounds great, doesn't it? I used to have lofty career aspirations, too (although never absurd ones such as supermodel or pop star, like most girls do today). But something weird happened after I had kids: I stopped caring about career climbing. It used to be that when my manager asked me what my goals are, I had ideas about the next promotion, getting on the right "track" (leadership track, management track, etc).
If you ask me now what my goal is, it's to be a good role model for my kids. That means being a kind person, being good for the planet, having integrity, demonstrating a positive outlook in life, and following through on the things that matter.
My career aspirations these days revolve around how I incorporate those role model qualities into my job. It can be especially hard to demonstrate a positive outlook when one is surrounded by office politics and climbers who are only working towards that next promotion. At the same time, there is something liberating about not caring about all of that stuff and just focusing on how to be the person I want my children to admire and emulate.
When I think about it, being a person that others look up to is a pretty worthwhile ambition, why hasn't it been my goal all along?
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