School's In Session

E officially started kindergarten this last Tuesday. After all the worrying and stressing over private vs. charter vs. public schools, whether to put him back in his bi-lingual daycare after kinder or keep him at the on-site after-school care, who would take him, who would pick up, and all the million other things that kept me up, it was a very anti-climactic first week.

Somehow he made it through his first few days without crying about not being with his sister or pre-school friends. Amazingly, I was able to wake up in time to get him to school before the bell rang. He made friends. He ate his lunch.

Lesson learned: I don't give him or me enough credit to transition to the next stage of his life without trauma.

And now that I've figured that out, I can return to my regularly scheduled program of worrying whether V will ever be able to quit the diapers.

Kindergarten: The Throwback Year

We are in the middle of Kindergarten registration season, and even though my husband and I have made the decision to put E into public school, it's still causing a lot of stress.

You may think the stress comes from knowing that the charter school we registered for is expecting to receive over 500 applicants to fill only 40 spots.

Or you might think it's due to knowing that our public school's enrollment is at near capacity and some residents may get re-districted to a sister district.

But mostly what is stressing me out is the very establishment of Kindergarten itself, which seemingly still operates on the assumption that there is always one stay-at-home parent who has no other scheduled priorities beyond his or her child's school schedule.

When our kids enter Kindergarten, we will be tethered to 4-hour school days, 8:30am - 12:30pm (or even worse, 11:00am - 3:00pm - I might as well throw my whole day away). What do we do with E the rest of the day? There's no after-school care program through the school district, so now we have to find some alternative child care in addition to making a decision about school itself (I refuse to think about what to do if he gets put in the 11:00am class, I have no idea how to work my job around those 3 hours in the morning until he would go to school).

I really don't understand why this is. E's pre-school allows me to drop him off at 8:30am and pick him up at 6:00pm. He has structured lessons in pre-school: math, reading and writing, art, and PE. He is used to this schedule, it's not too much for him. He doesn't feel abandoned by his parents. When he goes into first grade, his schedule will be 8:15am - 3:30pm. So why is there this one school year where parents are forced to scramble to figure out what to do with their kids for half the day?

Now we have to consider hiring a nanny to shuttle him to and from school and watch him for the time he's not in class. The cost of a nanny who has driving credentials: almost the cost of a private school that does offer full-day kindergarten. I'm starting to see why people thought we were crazy to go the public school route. But really, it shouldn't have to be crazy to support our public education system.

I'm sure there's some method to this madness that I can't see. Maybe someone can explain it to me. Or better yet, maybe someone can tell me how to solve the dilemma we'll be in come September.

Resisting the Rat Race

As the days grow shorter and the leaves turn from green to gold to red (or rather, here in the Bay Area, the leaves simply yellow at the edges before falling off the trees), parents of 4 year-olds everywhere start to experience anxiety attacks and insomnia as we prepare to enter our babies into the rat race. I don't know about where you live, but here in the Silicon Valley, when our children reach school age, we parents are overwhelmed by the pressure to get our kids into the right kindergarten to get into the right elementary school to get into the right high school to get into the right college to get into the right post-grad program to land the successful career. As you can see, it's pretty much a straight shot from Montessori to that corner office at the Fortune 500 company, and you don't want your child to get behind.

A perfect storm of over-achieving parents, a sucky track record for state public schools, and affluence means that parents here start grooming their kids for success at a young age through a combination of academically rigorous private schools and a plethora of extra-curricular activities. For example, my niece, who just turned 5 in August, takes ballet, jazz/hip-hop, swimming, gymnastics, ice skating, and soccer, on top of being enrolled in a private Mandarin immersion school. Parents fight over that one open slot in the "gifted youth" program like it's the last Tickle-Me-Elmo at Christmas time.

Well, most of us do that. I've horrified many friends and colleagues by telling them we plan to enroll our son in either the neighborhood public school or charter school next year. Even though many of California's public school test scores are in the crapper, our school district gets great scores and consistently boasts that 50% or more of its graduates go on to top universities. So why pay private school tuition when the public school in our district is doing the job?

Still, when I tell other parents about our intentions, they look at me like I suddenly sprouted horns. "How could you short-change your kids like that?", "Don't you love your kids enough to buy them the best education available?" Yes, those are actual questions I have been asked. By my mother, no less.

It's hard not to occasionally fall prey to self-doubt. I don't want my kids to be at a disadvantage later in life. I do want them to get the best opportunities that we can give them.

But I also really want to believe that one can achieve that without putting a 5 year-old in 6 extra-curricular activities on top of an 8-hour academic program at an ultra-competitive private school. I want to believe that with all the pressures my kids will face in adulthood, my husband and I can give them a few years during which to play, explore, and enjoy life without without feeling the pressure that they have to get really good grades because mom and dad have invested a lot of money in their brains (and they definitely feel that pressure, even if they can't articulate it). I want to believe that by staying involved and interested in their education, we as parents can build a foundation for a love of learning that will serve them well in the future.

Maybe I am naive, I'm not sure. But I want to believe that I'm not.

Words To Live By - The Four Year-Old's Edition

Sometimes E says the funniest things that I just have to capture them for posterity. I hope these put a smile on your face, as they did for me:

Scatological...
(flushing toilet) "Bye-bye, poo-poo. Good luck in the ocean!"
(sitting on toilet) "Mommy, poo-poo is private time. You can go work on your computer, I'm not done yet."
(eating veggies) "I have to eat lots of vegetables, so that my poo-poo can be long and go in a circle - woooooop."

Family Relations...
"Why did Uncle D come without Aunt R? He's not supposed to go without her."
"Um, Mommy, baby sisters are just terrible! What are we going to do about them?"
(after being told he's not allowed to scream at Grandpa) "That's Grandma's job?"

Education...
(after being asked what he did in school) "Um nothing, just learned stuff. And ate fruit."
"I don't like (swim) teacher Mike. I like girls."

Malapropisms...
(after head-butting Daddy in the groin) "Sorry, Daddy. Sorry for doing a butt-head."
(this is only funny if you know Cantonese) "I love bo-hai, it's my favorite. More bo-hai, please." Basically, he meant to say spinach (bo-cai), and instead he said sneakers (bo-hai).

Money...
(when bill arrives at a restaurant) "Daddy, you pay for it!"
"Mommy, you get on the computer so you can make money and buy things."
(at a fountain) "Mommy, you got pennies? I want to throw some money away."

My Favorite...
"Ahem, Mommy, excuse me. I love you very much."

Under Pressure

The rat race starts early here in the Silicon Valley. Parents cram their children's days with extra-curricular activities in order to get them into the right grammar school so they can get into the right high school so they can get into the right college. Children end up with tremendous pressure on their slight shoulders and little time to be kids.

My niece P is a prime example. She is currently enrolled in one of the most academically rigorous schools in the area. She also takes gymnastics, swimming, ice skating, and Chinese. Her mother wants to enroll her in a dance class and music class as well. By the way, my niece is three.

My sister-in-law says that P enjoys all these activities, and it's better for her to learn new things than just sit around and watch TV all day. All these things are fun as well as educational, and P is a happy, bright girl - she's not a basketcase or sullen from her full schedule, so what's the problem?

Well, since you asked....

I see two main problems: (1) Kids at P's age can't necessarily articulate that they are feeling pressure or stress, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it, and (2) if one's child is in a rigorous academic school setting from 8am - 5pm and taking four extra-curricular activities in addition, how much time does she spend with her parents?

Let's talk about problem #2 first, because some would argue that there is extensive driving time involved and parent participation in the classes. In P's case, there is a lot of driving time, but since she is three, most of the extra-curricular classes are no longer parent participation (for which my sister-in-law is extremely grateful). I don't know about you, but I consider the time I shuttle my kids around a good opportunity to chat with them (if they're in the mood to talk). Quality time together, however, it is not.

Children still learn primarily by example, and their most significant role models are their parents. So instead of plopping P into an ice skating class, why not take her ice skating and have a good time? And herein lies my biggest beef: the use of extra-curricular activities as a substitute for real parenting. My sister-in-law has often said that she doesn't have patience to answer all of P's questions or to wait for her while she learns something new. She claims that it's better for P to spend time with "trained professionals".

And that brings me back to problem #1. Children at P's age can't express the complexity of what they feel; they can say they are happy, sad, or mad. But they do perceive everything, even if they can't say it. Kids know when their parents are fighting even if the parents don't fight in front of them. They can tell in a very short time who will give them what they want, who will not listen to what they have to say, and who has patience with them. They can certainly tell if their parents would rather not spend time with them.

And they innately want to please their parents and gain their parents' affection and attention. So P may say that she enjoys doing all those things because some of those activities are fun for her, but she may also say she enjoys them because she senses that "Mommy is happy if I go do this thing". Either way, she will only be able to say that she likes it. The bottom line is that taking on that many activities would be hard for an older child, a teenager, or even an adult. Why would anyone expect that a three year-old could handle it?