Anyone who knows me knows that my brother and I didn't get along growing up. We didn't completely despise each other, but we bickered - a lot. Now that we're adults, we've (gasp!) matured a bit and we're getting along and making an effort to be closer.
Back then, if you asked me why I didn't care for my brother, I would have told you he's self-centered and underhanded, that he gets more everything for doing less and for caring less about his family, that he's immature, and a lazy, spoiled brat.
If you could have asked him why I suck, he would have probably told you that I'm mean, that I always point out every little thing he does wrong to Mom and Dad, that I try to make him look bad by parading my good grades in front of him and our parents, and that I don't treat him super nice like everyone else does.
After some surprisingly frank coffee-side conversations with my brother, we realize that at the heart of the matter was a feeling of unfairness. It wasn't fair that I got straight A's, obeyed all the rules, and did more chores around the house, but when we each got our drivers' license, my first car was the 6 year-old family car beater Jeep (OMG, the loser-mobile!) and his was a brand new, fully loaded Forerunner (because a BMW would have been a little too extravagant).
Likewise for him, it wasn't fair that I got a bigger allowance. That my parents nagged him about homework and piano practice and they never bugged me about those things. And I'm sure a ton of things he still hasn't told me.
I have two of my own now, and I can safely say that this rift between my brother and me is due in large part to my parents. Yes, it's cliche to blame your parents for your own failings. But the thing is, as a parent, I know that right now, my husband and I are the biggest influence on our children.
And I know from personal experience that one child doesn't automatically love another one just because they share parents and a home. In fact, sharing usually breeds jealousy and resentment. It's the parents' responsibility to nurture the relationship between their children.
So far my kids get along really well (they're only 5 and 3, there's still plenty of time for the wheels to come of this wagon). I'd like to say I'm lucky, but in truth, my husband and I work really hard to strengthen their relationship. Our efforts don't always work; my son recently asked me if we could sell his sister on eBay for $1 million.
From what I remember of my own childhood relationship with my brother, I've learned a few things about what can hurt that bond between siblings, and we try our best to avoid these:
Comparing them to each other. "Why can't you eat your vegetables like she does?" "Your brother could already write his name at your age." "I never have to tell your brother to do his homework." My brother and I got a lot of this growing up. It totally bites. You may not think you're doing damage, but to this day, when my brother and I get into a room together, I feel ugly because I was always told to care more about my appearance since I wasn't naturally as good-looking as my brother.
Not sharing intentions with them. My parents are hard-core, old-school Chinese when it comes to certain things. One of them is that it's not a child's place to question a parent's actions. But at 10 or 12, I couldn't see why they did what they did. All I saw was inequity. My brother was allowed to go to slumber parties but not me. I felt embarrassed I was the only one who couldn't spend the night at a party. It wasn't fair that he was able to go to his friends' houses for overnights and I wasn't. How was I supposed to know that my parents were worried that I might get kidnapped (a la Polly Klaas)? For one thing, they could have told me what their concerns were instead of flatly telling me that overnights were forbidden.
Passing judgment on their arguments. Let the records show that to this day, in any disagreement between me and my bro, my mother will ALWAYS take his side. At 38, I know it's not because she loves him more, it's because she feels like I am the stronger person and the more mature person, and she feels like I am more likely to take the high road. But damn if it doesn't feel like she loves him more. With our kids, we will mediate (you know, so they don't end up throwing forks at each other) an argument, but we try not to take sides and instead make them work it out directly between them. It's hard - in most cases, it would be faster and easier to tell so-and-so that he or she is being a brat. On the upside, I am a lot more patient now than I used to be.
So now you tell me - what are your strategies for strengthening the bond between your kids? I need tips so that 30 years from now, my kids are not blogging about my sub-par relationship-building skills.
