It Wasn't My Idea

Whenever my husband and I argue over something kid-related, and let's be honest, it's always the same argument, a little voice inside me always falls back to the same position, "Well, I'm not the one who wanted kids."

Horrible, right? I'm a bad person and a terrible mother because when things get tough, I always feel like I took on this extra responsibility that I didn't really want in the first place. If you ask my friends, most of them will tell you that they were surprised that we ended up having children. That's because I had said quite clearly on many an occasion that I didn't think I could do the whole parenting gig.

No one is more surprised than I am that I did it (twice) and that I actually enjoy it. That I was capable of investing so much love, time, and effort into the whole endeavor. That I actually have enough patience to watch over my little brood without going completely mental. So do I love being a mom? Yes. Do I regret having kids? No.

But that doesn't change the fact that having them wasn't my idea. So when we come back to the recurring argument - and for the record, that argument is over whether or not said husband is investing enough time and effort into the rearing of his children - I always end up thinking to myself, "It's time to cowboy up, because you were the one who wanted these kids, not me."

I never say it, of course, precisely because it is so very wrong. But I think it. I think, I earn half the household income, so why is it every time a munchkin is sick, I'm the one who has to take a day off to stay home. Why does everyone give me a guilt trip for carving out time for myself to exercise or have dinner with a friend while the husband does the same completely guilt-free? How come Daddy gets extra credit for taking twenty minutes out from surfing the net to play with the kids, but if I give up my whole day to devote to the kids, nobody remembers. Especially since I didn't want to have kids in the first place.

See, there I go again. I guess the crux of the issue isn't really who wanted to start a family first, it's really about parity in parenting. If one parent is the wage earner and the other is the household manager, the roles are more clearly defined. But when both parents have equal responsibility for bringing home the bacon, it's harder to define who's "in charge" of managing the parent-child dynamics. On most days, I gladly take ownership because I love the kids and I'm capable and well, it's just not going to get the attention it needs if I don't. But sometimes, I wish the one who was doggedly persistent about becoming a parent would step up to the plate.

Resisting the Rat Race

As the days grow shorter and the leaves turn from green to gold to red (or rather, here in the Bay Area, the leaves simply yellow at the edges before falling off the trees), parents of 4 year-olds everywhere start to experience anxiety attacks and insomnia as we prepare to enter our babies into the rat race. I don't know about where you live, but here in the Silicon Valley, when our children reach school age, we parents are overwhelmed by the pressure to get our kids into the right kindergarten to get into the right elementary school to get into the right high school to get into the right college to get into the right post-grad program to land the successful career. As you can see, it's pretty much a straight shot from Montessori to that corner office at the Fortune 500 company, and you don't want your child to get behind.

A perfect storm of over-achieving parents, a sucky track record for state public schools, and affluence means that parents here start grooming their kids for success at a young age through a combination of academically rigorous private schools and a plethora of extra-curricular activities. For example, my niece, who just turned 5 in August, takes ballet, jazz/hip-hop, swimming, gymnastics, ice skating, and soccer, on top of being enrolled in a private Mandarin immersion school. Parents fight over that one open slot in the "gifted youth" program like it's the last Tickle-Me-Elmo at Christmas time.

Well, most of us do that. I've horrified many friends and colleagues by telling them we plan to enroll our son in either the neighborhood public school or charter school next year. Even though many of California's public school test scores are in the crapper, our school district gets great scores and consistently boasts that 50% or more of its graduates go on to top universities. So why pay private school tuition when the public school in our district is doing the job?

Still, when I tell other parents about our intentions, they look at me like I suddenly sprouted horns. "How could you short-change your kids like that?", "Don't you love your kids enough to buy them the best education available?" Yes, those are actual questions I have been asked. By my mother, no less.

It's hard not to occasionally fall prey to self-doubt. I don't want my kids to be at a disadvantage later in life. I do want them to get the best opportunities that we can give them.

But I also really want to believe that one can achieve that without putting a 5 year-old in 6 extra-curricular activities on top of an 8-hour academic program at an ultra-competitive private school. I want to believe that with all the pressures my kids will face in adulthood, my husband and I can give them a few years during which to play, explore, and enjoy life without without feeling the pressure that they have to get really good grades because mom and dad have invested a lot of money in their brains (and they definitely feel that pressure, even if they can't articulate it). I want to believe that by staying involved and interested in their education, we as parents can build a foundation for a love of learning that will serve them well in the future.

Maybe I am naive, I'm not sure. But I want to believe that I'm not.

Eggcelent News!

The drought is over. Let the baked goods rain down upon my son and all his little friends! We took E to the allergist for his oral challenge for eggs. And I am thrilled to say that he was able to eat an entire hard boiled egg (although it took him 2 hours to eat it under the watchful monitoring of a nurse) with only a small rash to show for it.

The allergist gave us the OK to introduce small amounts of egg into his diet. This means that cake and cookies and all the other stuff he will spend his adult life trying to resist are now open to him (might as well get a chance to enjoy them now while he can, right?). In fact, he has recommended that we feed him eggs 2-3 times a week in small amounts to build up his tolerance.

This avid baker of a mom could not be more thrilled!

So to commemorate this milestone, I'll be making some cupcakes for him to bring to his Halloween potluck at school (decorated like Spider-Man to go with his costume). The only thing is, he doesn't like frosting (I've never let him have any since I never know if it has milk in it), so while his friends will get the masked Spidey cupcakes, he'll be enjoying his unfrosted Peter Parker cupcake.

Stuff I Love: (iPhone Edition) Lose It! App

With each child, I tacked on an extra five pounds, mostly in my flabby, paunchy gut. For those keeping track, that's a total of 10 pounds on top of the extra 10-15 I've always carried around just for kicks.

I've never been good about losing weight. It's not so much a matter of not exercising enough. I'm the kind of person who will walk up the five flights to my office, walk to the market instead of drive, hit the elliptical, take aerobics classes, etc.

For me, it's all about the food. And I tried everything: low-carb, low-fat, eating foods in a certain order, cutting out wheat, cutting out dairy. Nothing worked. I eventually conceded I don't have the willpower to restrict my diet for the long haul. Then a friend told me about Lose It!, a free app for the iPhone. (Yes, I said it's free, in case you missed that just now.) Lose It! is basically a calorie counter in which you enter your starting weight, your goal weight, and the desired rate of weight loss. It then calculates a daily calorie budget for you, and you keep track of what you eat and how much you exercise.

That's it. It's really simple. I've used it for almost three weeks, and I've lost four pounds so far. And for the first time, I'm actually believing that maybe I can lose all my extra blubber.

Now, the calorie counts are not all accurate. Nor are the burn rates for various exercises. But if you do a little googling, it's easy enough to put in the correct numbers. Why I think it's effective, at least for me, is that it requires me to think about what I eat. And I'm realizing how many empty calories I used to consume. Stuff I wouldn't even remember eating afterwards. The cookie someone left in the breakroom after a meeting? 350 calories. And it wasn't all that good, and that's as many calories as a whole serving of stir-fry at dinner. Dayum!

That's not to say I feel deprived. Looking through my log, I've had stuff like strawberry-rhubarb pie a la mode, double chocolate cookies, green curry chicken, grilled steak fajitas. That's good eating right there. Admittedly, the fat content of my diet isn't anything to be proud of, but the calorie count is doing OK. And if I can make it through the daunting holidays, I will hit my goal weight (which is a nutritionist-recommended weight of 151 pounds, in case you care) by my birthday.

In a nutshell, if you are trying to lose weight, the solution is simple: eat less than you burn. And if you, like me, have trouble knowing how you're doing on that eating:burning ratio, get the Lose It! app for your iPhone. It's easy to use, it's free, and it works. Did I also mention that it's free?

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

Means bringing a whole lot of crap with you when you're travelling with babies. My cousin A is bringing her adorable baby to meet the family in October, which means she is going to be travelling with a 3 month-old.

I remember taking E to Washington DC when he was about 5 months old, and taking V to Hawaii when she was about 4 months old. It seemed like a lot of work at the time (little did I know that it's cake compared to taking a 4 year-old anywhere, including to the mall just a few miles from home), but now, it doesn't seem so bad in hindsight.

Maybe that's because I've probably forgotten most of what I learned about travelling with an infant. Among the things I can recall:

• Breastfeed the baby at take-off and landing (if you're lucky, he will sleep for at least part of the flight)
• Don't try to pack up all the baby stuff and bring it with you - you know how much airlines charge for luggage these days, right? - and buy things like diapers when you arrive (that is, unless you're about to take a hell ride on a cruise ship)
• Ask your airline if a bassinet is available and if it is, try to reserve the seat in front of it. Alternately, if you can afford it, put your baby in his own seat.

I'm sure I learned way more than that, so I'm hoping anyone who might see this post would be willing to share your tips on travelling with Junior.

Being -Free: A Guide to Coping with Allergies

Because of E's numerous food allergies (let's review: dairy, egg, nuts, mildly allergic to wheat, used to be allergic to fish too), I've ended up being a resource to my friends whose kids subsequently also develop food allergies or sensitivities. I'm bummed to hear other people tell me their child can't have milk / soy / gluten /nuts /name your food here, and I wish in a way that I was the only one dealing with this because it's a crummy situation, let's just be honest about it.

That being said, when I thought about how things have gone with E's diet, it's not the colossal pain and source of emotional angst that it used to be. Somehow, we've adjusted to it pretty well. So I thought it might be useful for those of you who are trying to do the -free diet to read what's worked well for us.

Eating Out Is Bad
Okay, if not bad, at least a pain. Eating out is never easy because waiters don't always know if the food you order contains the offending food. Heck, even the cooks don't always know because processed foods can contain trace amounts of stuff you just wouldn't expect in that food. And it's not just going to restaurants, it's going to people's houses, amusement parks, and birthday parties, too. E always gets a big bowl of fruit salad and a small bag of gummi bears when he goes to a birthday party; he never partakes of cake, and that's just how it's always been. So if you want to eat out, make sure you're bringing something along for your child that you KNOW is safe and that he'll enjoy.

Substitute Foods Are Great
There are a lot of options out there these days: soy milk for regular milk, non-dairy margarines for butter, rice-based pasta instead of wheat. You can swap a lot of these substitute foods without really a noticeable difference in taste or texture. A few items that have passed our discriminating palettes (that being mine, not E's since he has never had the original to compare to):

• Soy Yogurt - Whole Soy is my favorite brand; it's thick and creamy and full of fruit flavor. I especially like the lemon and mango/apricot. Silk can be good, too. Its texture is like Yoplait, but I find it cloyingly sweet (E loves their blueberry soy yogurt).
• Rice-Potato-Soy Pasta - I forget the name brand, but check out your closest Whole Foods for a selection of gluten-free pastas. I've found that ones that have a combination of grains has better texture than the ones that are all one grain (quinoa, rice, etc), which tend to be mushy unless cooked perfectly. Also check out soba, made from buckwheat (which is gluten-free and wheat-free despite the name) - but beware, some soba has wheat in it, so look for the kind that's 100% buckwheat.
• Double Rainbow Blueberry Soy Ice Cream - It has such great blueberry flavor that you can't really taste the soy flavor too much.
• Sorbet - for those of you who can't deal with the soyness of soy ice cream, enjoy some sorbet or fruit juice popsicles.

Not All Substitute Foods Are Great
The worst offenders:

• Gluten-free bread - any brand, I guarantee you it will be an affront to all that is beautiful and delicious about bread. It is the gluten that imparts bread with that great chewy, light, delightfully pillow-soft texture. Forget about bread and carbo-load on something else (potatoes, rice, corn, there's lots of options).
• Gluten-free, dairy-free, and egg-free cake/cookies - I hate to break it to you, but you're generally going to pass up the bakery section of your grocery store. Leaving 1 one of those 3 things can still result in a tasty treat, even 2 out of 3 can be a winner, but not having any of those things in your baked good - you'll just have to learn to get over it. What you can get is usually not worth the calories anyway. As an alternative, try gluten-free, vegan fruit pie.
• Fake cheese - pretty self-explanatory.

Forget About Imposters
After all that talk about substitute foods, which have their place, we find that it's just much tastier not to pretend. Why eat fake yogurt for breakfast when you can have a real hash brown? Sometimes when you go on a -free diet, you spend so much time worrying about what you can't eat that you forget about the great things you still can eat. Just a reminder for you:

Breakfast foods:

• Hash browns
• Rice crispies cereal (great with some freeze-dried berries and soy milk)
• Corn flakes
• Sausage (check ingredients to make sure there's no dairy)
• Bacon
• Fruit

Snacks:

• Potato, corn, or tortilla chips
• Popcorn
• Fruit

Generally speaking, Asian meals will have the most options for gluten-, dairy-, and egg-free dishes, especially Vietnamese cuisine, which is largely rice-based.

Leading By Example
The most important aspect of a successful -free diet is your outlook. The way you react to your child's diet will become your child's reaction. Act as if your child is being deprived and he will feel like he's being deprived. Sometimes it's the hardest thing for a parent to act like being allergic to something is like having straight hair or brown eyes - it just is part of who your child is. For me, it was so hard not to feel like I've lost out on something I always imagined myself doing with my kids: baking cookies together or making pancakes together on a Sunday morning.

At the same time, it's imperative to help your kids to understand that they do have an allergy. As much as I'd like to hope that I'll always be there to keep E from the things he can't eat, it's not realistic. He needs to be able to tell his teachers, his friends, or his friends' parents what will make him sick. E now is able to tell people, "I can't have eggs", "no cows milk for me", "I can't have cake, thank you". And he doesn't feel bad about it (usually his follow-up statement is, "can I have some gummi bears instead?").

The trick is to strike the balance between being clear what foods he is allergic to and not making a big deal of it. A few lessons we've learned along the way:

• Try to have the whole family follow the same diet, at least when you are with your child. Don't groan, if your kid can't eat pizza, is it fair for you to munch away on a slice in front of him? Meet your pizza needs when you're at work, and enjoy family dinners that you can enjoy as a family. You will probably actually start eating healthier for it.
• Don't freak out if your child is putting a foreign food near his mouth (parents whose kids get anaphylactic reactions get some slack on this one). You don't want your child to fear food. Instill in your kids the habit of not eating new foods when they're not with you, and teach them why.
• Carry an epi-pen and Benadryl (children's oral suspension) with you when you go out to eat, just in case.
• Read all food labels and try not to keep dangerous foods in the house.
• Try to discourage your kids from being picky eaters (an uphill battle for some parents, I know). But the thing is, if your child can’t take in entire groups of food (dairy, gluten products, soy, etc), then it’s more difficult to ensure they have a balanced diet. Teach your kids to embrace the foods they can eat so that they get variety and balance in their diet. The best way to do this is not to be picky yourself – suck it up and be an adult about eating your green vegetables or fish or whatever you dislike eating.

I’m sure there are plenty of other tips that I’ve missed or haven’t picked up on yet. So if you have a child who has a food sensitivity and/or allergy, please share your strategies on how you cope with his/her dietary restrictions.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I totally forgot to send a shout-out to my cousin A, who gave birth to her son just a few days ago. Welcome to the Mommy Club, cousin! Enjoy your new baby, but savor every second of sleep you can get in the next 8 weeks.

Operation: Quality of Life

The global economy is weathering a mighty storm, and like most people, we are working harder, spending less, and trying to save more (emphasis on the word trying). The little things we cut out are small, and there are many days when it really feels like, "what's the point?". But I'm trying to remind myself that every penny counts and it will all add up. What began out of necessity, or maybe even simply perceived necessity, has really been a great discovery for us as a family and me personally.

We unsubscribed to the premium cable channels, and now having fewer choices of crappy TV shows means we actually spend our evenings doing more worthwhile things. I've taken up writing again with the occasional session of drawing, as well as playing the piano more and just getting down with my bad self to the radio (yay, radio is still free!).

We haven't let the kids buy any toys (not that we ever went crazy with toys, but we're talking not even on their birthdays this year), even the really cool ones that we're excited to play with ourselves, and it turns out they don't really play with toys anyway. There's no Transformer or GI Joe action figure that is going to capture E's attention the way being allowed to "help" his daddy wash the car does. Bonus feature: we're grooming him for unpaid labor in the future!

We stopped getting take-out in favor of preparing much simpler meals, and not only do I feel better about putting less styrofoam in our land-fills, but I've also discovered that hearing, "Thanks Mom, you cooked the best dinner ever!" makes any amount of prep work completely worth all the time and labor.

That's not to say it's easy. We work harder at work, longer hours, more stress, and as a result, we have less time to be with the kids. But the quality of the time is better; we're less distracted by the consumption of stuff. Will we stay with it once we get out of this economic slump and return once again to the days of milk and honey? Who knows, but a part of me is really hoping that we do.

Holding Out Hope for Next Year

We finally got E to the allergist for his oral test for dairy, and the verdict is: still allergic. BAH!

He had one teaspoon and refused to have another one. When we tried to get him to drink two teaspoons, he spat out the milk, and where it got on his skin, little red bumps appeared. I guess pizza and real ice cream are all out for another year. The good news is he didn't have any anaphylactic reaction to the milk, so if he gets a little cross-contamination, it isn't a serious threat.

We will be scheduling an oral test for egg within the next few weeks. Hopefully he has better luck with the eggs. Wish us luck!

Fingers, Toes Crossed! The Day Has Come (I Hope)...

The day that I've been waiting for came yesterday! The allergist called to give me E's test results from his allergy panel this year. This is our yearly ritual: we take E to the allergist, he gets the skin test, he gets the blood test, and then we're told his allergies are still there, and it's another year of egg-free, dairy-free, nut-free, limited-wheat eating for my baby.

But this year, the allergist came back with different results. Even though the skin test still showed an allergy to eggs and milk, the blood test came back negative for everything. HALLELUJAH!

What does this mean? It means we get to take E back to the allergist for a dairy test drive some time in the next few weeks. We'll give him a spoonful of milk and wait to see if he has any reaction (with allergist at the ready to administer whatever meds needed in case of a bad reaction). And if that goes well, we can slowly increase the dairy intake to see if he develops any adverse reaction. Then we get to do it again with egg.

I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for being able to shop at any old grocery store (sorry Whole Foods, you have a great selection of food-sensitive products, but you're expensive!) and not having every trip be two hours (time needed to read every single ingredient label). I'm hopeful for being able to eat out anywhere without having to bring our own food. I'm hopeful for not worrying that my baby might go to the ER because he traded his rice cracker for a friend's Cheez-its at lunch time.

Oh, lucky day, I'm hopeful you've come at last....

Get Your Nose Out of My Baby's Ears

Over the weekend, my mother, my MIL, and I took V to get her ears pierced. For the entire week before, V had been pointing to her ears saying "pretty pretty" in anticipation and excitement. And now, she can proudly display her pierced lobes (a fine job done by Claire's at the mall).

This did not seem like a controversial thing to do; lots of babies have pierced ears. But I got a lot of disapproving looks, free advice, and unsolicited opinions from people ranging from my nanny ("she's too young, it's going to hurt her a lot") to my sister-in-law ("it's not right to do that to her when she's not old enough to make an informed decision of whether she really wants it") to random acquaintances ("the ears will definitely get infected - is that what you want to put her through?", "she's going to grow up vain"). Wow.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and obvious concern for my daughter's well-being. I need to clarify that I had her ears pierced; I did not have her labia cut off or her feet bound. I know - fine distinction, slippery slope, blah blah blah. It's just weird to me that people would have such a strong opinion about somebody else's kid's ear lobes. Has anyone encountered the same reaction?

I'm just glad I didn't tell all these people about having E circumcised, that probably would have created a maelstrom of rebukes and dirty looks.

I Love Lucy

My first child didn't come from inside me. She came from a dog rescue, but I loved her like my baby, because she is, was, and always will be my baby. Her name was Lucy, and (with all due respect to everyone's dog out there) she was the best dog on the planet.

Her unconditional love and sweetness uncorked in me the same capacity for loving another living thing with no strings attached. It was through my relationship with her that I realized I could be a mother, and a good mom at that. Much to my husband's dismay, I confess that I had our first child E for her. "Look at how good she is with little kids," I told him, "if we're going to have children, I want to do it before she's too old."

My time with Lucy ended this morning. She was thirteen, and it was her time to go. But knowing that doesn't make her absence any less bitter; it doesn't fill the Rottweiler-shaped hole in my heart.

For now, I'm filling that void with the outpouring of love I've received from friends and family who have heard the news. I can tell that she brought joy to everyone she met, and that does make her absence just the slightest bit more bearable.

Thanks to all who have given your sympathies and shed a tear for my beloved Tiny Princess. I'm trying my best to smile instead of cry when I think of her; I hope you'll do the same. I know it's how she would want to be remembered.

We Need Less Mom-on-Mom Hate

I've been enjoying a much needed and much appreciated week break in between jobs, and I've had a chance to connect with a lot of my stay-at-home mommy friends. At one lunch date, we found ourselves lamenting about how daddies don't understand the plight of the mother.

"He thinks it's easy," complained one friend of her husband.

"He asked me what I do all day," chimed in another.

What I didn't add was that sometimes I wonder, too. My working mommy friends have a slightly different conversation, about how to balance career and family. Why is soccer practice always at 11:30 on Wednesdays when we have can't-miss meetings with our boss? What's the secret to being able to prep a dinner without having to hit the drive-thru line at the local fast-food joint? Somehow, we have to get all the mothering done along with all the bread-winner crap, too. So how do you not get it all done when you have the whole day and no work responsibilities?

At the end of lunch, my friend closed with, "You know what, who cares if he doesn't get it. I am making my family a priority. You need every fiber of your being devoted to being a mom to keep the family going, and I'm proud of the job I'm doing."

That stung me just a little bit. I have fibers devoted to my job, lots of fibers. Am I short-changing my kids?

After thinking about it, I realize what a disservice we all do to each other as mothers. Mothering comes in all kinds, and they are equally hard and equally valuable. So why dis each other?

Mothering is like air; it fills up the space you have to give it. I have to give time and space (and fibers) to my job. Would I rather be helping the kids with their A-B-C's, teaching them to read, taking them to the library, and getting them to soccer practice? Absolutely. But my job also puts the roof over their heads and shoes on their feet. It funds the insurance that pays for their check-ups. And because my space and time are limited, my husband is much more involved and understands just how tough a gig parenting is.

But I do have days when I look at my stay-at-home mom friends and feel like a cut-rate parent. I spend too much time on the computer. Too much time on the phone. Too much time on the road. Not catching development challenges and milestones early enough. Not being available to take them to activities and classes. Generally not being there enough. Stay-at-home moms are totally devoted to their families' needs, and I can't do that. *sigh*

Let's help each other out and stop dissing how the other side lives. Working moms, stay-at-home moms, single moms (the strongest and bravest of us all!), moms with help, and the moms who have to do it all on their own: it's all equally hard. And all equally valuable.

Words To Live By - The Four Year-Old's Edition

Sometimes E says the funniest things that I just have to capture them for posterity. I hope these put a smile on your face, as they did for me:

Scatological...
(flushing toilet) "Bye-bye, poo-poo. Good luck in the ocean!"
(sitting on toilet) "Mommy, poo-poo is private time. You can go work on your computer, I'm not done yet."
(eating veggies) "I have to eat lots of vegetables, so that my poo-poo can be long and go in a circle - woooooop."

Family Relations...
"Why did Uncle D come without Aunt R? He's not supposed to go without her."
"Um, Mommy, baby sisters are just terrible! What are we going to do about them?"
(after being told he's not allowed to scream at Grandpa) "That's Grandma's job?"

Education...
(after being asked what he did in school) "Um nothing, just learned stuff. And ate fruit."
"I don't like (swim) teacher Mike. I like girls."

Malapropisms...
(after head-butting Daddy in the groin) "Sorry, Daddy. Sorry for doing a butt-head."
(this is only funny if you know Cantonese) "I love bo-hai, it's my favorite. More bo-hai, please." Basically, he meant to say spinach (bo-cai), and instead he said sneakers (bo-hai).

Money...
(when bill arrives at a restaurant) "Daddy, you pay for it!"
"Mommy, you get on the computer so you can make money and buy things."
(at a fountain) "Mommy, you got pennies? I want to throw some money away."

My Favorite...
"Ahem, Mommy, excuse me. I love you very much."

Universal Truths About Pregnancy

My cousin A is pregnant and has asked me for the inside scoop on pregnancy. She told me there are too many books out there, and it's kind of scary all the information that's available. So I've been thinking about what advice to give her. I don't want to steer you wrong, A, so after a lot of thought, here are the universal truths about pregnancy:

1. Every pregnancy is different. This is why there are thousands of books out there on the topic. What happened during my pregnancy may not happen during yours. Heck, your first pregnancy may be very different from your second pregnancy (if you end up with more than one). That is why my list of universal truths is so short. And it's also why you should not worry about swollen ankles, gestational diabetes, or stretch marks until they actually happen to you.

2. This is the last time it will all revolve around you, so enjoy it! Right now, everyone wants to know how you're feeling, if you're excited, what your plans are. During pregnancy is when chivalry, once extinct, will make brief appearances in friends, family, and strangers, as people offer to let you go ahead of them in line in the store, take the last seat in a waiting area or bus (but I know you never take the bus, so nevermind about that), or offer to carry things or get things on your behalf. Once that baby comes, it becomes all about the baby.

3. No matter how big or small you were before you got pregnant, your pregnancy clothes will not fit you well at the end of the pregnancy. Don't bother spending a lot of money on third trimester threads, just find a pair of sweats that will stay on with the waist band under the belly and live in those for the last few weeks.

4. If labor scares the heck out of you, that's totally normal. And yes, it is going to hurt. There is no breathing technique that makes it hurt less (but holding your breath isn't going to do you or your baby any favors, so make sure you breathe). But it's the only pain in the world that you are supposed to have and so your body is designed to handle it. Also, you will be so desperate not to have that baby inside you any more, you would gladly do anything - labor, walk on hot coals, crawl through broken glass, whatever - to get it out of you.

5. How ever your pregnancy is going, you will do yourself a great favor by always heeding what your body tells you. Do you feel tired? Go sleep. Are you hungry? Then eat. When you're feeling full, stop eating. Don't try to be a hero or have the attitude that you are not going to let the pregnancy get in the way of your normal modus operandi. Most people will be understanding if you have to duck out of a meeting early or are too tired to hang (see truth #2). After the baby is here, there will be times aplenty when you won't be able to eat, sleep, pee, shower, or do anything when you feel like it, so just listen to your body now.

6. There is a lot of "stuff" that people say is a must-have for the baby, but I guarantee you will have too much stuff and not all the right stuff either. It won't matter how many showers you have or how carefully you research the consumer reports. You will get something that the baby will absolutely refuse or find yourself needing something you never imagined you would need. It's actually better to get less stuff now and wait until you know your baby a little better.

(Not really a universal truth, but my 2 cents on truth #6) On my list of essentials to have before the baby arrives: infant carrier/car seat, infant carrier stroller frame ("snap'n'go"), diaper pail, diaper changing pad, swing, diaper bag, burp cloths, baby clothes (side-snap t-shirts, cap, full-body footed sleeper - with snap closures are the best), 3-4 large swaddling blankets, baby monitor, and a washer and dryer. Except for the washer and dryer and the diapering stuff, borrow what you can. Everything else you can get later as you learn about baby's likes and dislikes and also your own habits and parenting routines.

Other than that, read a few books, take in the things that apply to you, and don't worry about the stuff that doesn't. I recommend you get an understanding of the labor process and become informed about common scenarios and the options for handling them, but it doesn't have to be a childbirth class. You could hire a doula (I highly recommend this), or talk to someone who can give you detailed information, but it should be via a means that allows you to ask questions (ie, don't just read a book or watch a video). I also recommend you take a "baby care basics" class (one that shows you how to bathe a baby, clip his/her nails, change diapers, recognize different types of crying, etc) and a breastfeeding class (if you plan to breastfeed, which I also recommend).

I'm sure there is way more wisdom out there than what I've mentioned, so if you have a tip for my cousin A, please share in the comments. Thanks!

Stuff I Love (Retro edition): Fisher-Price Papasan Cradle Swing

This one is for you, A... One of my dearest cousins is with child and getting excited about the imminent arrival of her baby. Or at least shopping for her baby. She asked me what stuff she needs to have. So I'm going back to the newborn days to write up on this LIFE-SAVING baby gizmo.

What I Love: Fisher-Price Papasan Cradle Swing (prices vary depending on design, Nature's Touch model, $139 USD). We have lent ours to at least 4 other sets of parents and they have all thanked us for saving their lives and the lives of their babies (whom they would have thrown out the window after the 5th hour of colicky wailing).

Why I Love It: Have I already mentioned that it's a life-saver? First of all, sooooo cute! There are multiple designs available now: the Nature's Touch model (neutral colors with leaves and birds and bugs on the mobile), the Starlight model (pastel colored stars), and who knows what other designs by now. And the seat is extremely soft and plush. Many a day I watched my kids snuggled in the swing and wished they made a grown-up version.

Before I go further, every expectant parent needs to know this about newborns: they like to be rocked/swung. They all like it, trust me. I haven't met a baby that didn't enjoy the gentle lull of a swinging motion. My son liked being rocked side to side. My daughter liked being rocked back and forth. But they all love being rocked. Which brings me to reason #2 to love this swing: it goes both back and forth AND side to side. You won't know which way your baby likes to be rocked until s/he comes out, so hedge your bets with a swing that goes both ways.

Reason #3: it has diversions. Some have lights on the top. Some have a mirror. They all have a mobile and music. Some can be plugged into a wall outlet (highly recommend this because it can chew up batteries). Some let you download MP3's (mmm, because you always thought your iPod is too small and you need a bigger device for playing your favorite tunes?).

A tip for you: pick the model with the features you like. Definitely do NOT pick the model based on whether it matches the nursery decor and such (it won't go there, it will end up wherever you spend the most time and will probably get pretty worn). Pick the model based on which of the gadgety-goos drive you the least crazy. Baby won't know the difference one way or another, but if the sound of toucans and monkeys makes you go bonkers, you best not get the jungle design. Right, this was me hating the sound of crickets and chirping birds, yet I picked the Nature's Touch model which featured... you guessed it, crickets and chirping birds.

Other caveats: there is another Fisher-Price Swing that goes in both directions; it's not a papasan swing, but rather one with a more upright seat. This is NOT the swing to get because it is harder for baby to sleep in this one due to its sitting angle and the molded doo-hickey that goes between the legs to keep the baby in. And inducing sleep is a key function of a swing, no?

And lastly, the swing has a large footprint. Yes, the legs can fold together, but more for moving it around than storing. But you should just clear out the space you need now, because you will love this swing if you get it.

Tales of the High Seas, or the Perils of Cruising with Small Children, Call It What You Want, Just Don't Call It Vacation

There are times when things go so inexplicably awry that there is no point in trying to assign blame or divine the underlying root cause. You just chalk it up to the universe telling you that it is your turn to - in the words of a close friend - serve as a cautionary tale to others.

So it was with our recent holiday vacation cruising in the Caribbean. Now you say, "Shut up! You're on a cruise in the Caribbean. I so do not weep for you." OK, save your tears for the end of this post.

Let us begin by reviewing that darling son E and adorable daughter V are ages three years and nineteen months, respectively. The cruise was my mother's idea, because she had already planned to cruise with my aunts and uncles and she "couldn't bear to be away from the grandchildren on Christmas." So she bought our cruise tickets back in March.

Fast forward to the week before we leave. My cousin, who lives down the street and shall remain nameless, had agreed to dog sit for us back at Thanksgiving. Lo and behold, on the Monday night before we leave, his mother calls to say he can no longer do it. Excuse me? The reason: a much better offer to go snow-boarding with his buddies. I call back and as politely as I can, light into my aunt about responsibility and giving enough notice and what are you teaching your son when you don't even make him call his own cousin back and tell her in person that you are bailing at the last minute. Thus begins the frantic search for dog-sitters. Calls are made to kennels, friends, other relatives. But let's face it, it's the week before Christmas and our friends have plans and the kennels are already booked. Then fate intervenes: a friend from our Furry Friends volunteer group offers to have the dogs stay with her. The day before we leave, we get a Christmas miracle. The dogs ended up having a wonderful time staying with their buddy Rosie.

We are duped into thinking that the dog-sitting miracle and the extremely well-behaved children on the flight out to Florida are signs that the cruise is going to be fun. I even jokingly tell my husband, "The flight out is going to be the highlight of this whole trip." Little did I know...

It would be wrong to say that the whole trip was miserable. We had some really fun moments (zip-lining in Costa Rica, hanging out with my family, shopping in Cozumel) insterspersed between:

E getting a rash over his entire body for the first week of this 12-day adventure. We never figured out what caused it, but he was itchy and grumpy. We had to restrict his diet (due to his numerous food allergies) in a vain attempt to stem the red bumps and the incessant scratching. E looked at me like I was the second coming of Hitler when I had to tell him no more Fruit Loops for breakfast or bread sticks at dinner (due to his mild wheat allergy).

In addition to the rash, E also got a yeast infection. Yes, there. Poor guy. He couldn't even walk in the Grand Cayman because it hurt so much. He strolled around in V's stroller. On Christmas Eve, I took him to the ship's doctor, who prescribed Vagisil and oral antibiotics. Total cost of visit: $100 - the most expensive tube of Vagisil I've ever bought.

E's health issues did not end there. He got food poisoning in Costa Rica (as did I and a few others), and ended up puking that night.

We tried to take E to the ship's children's program, the "Fun Factory", which had craft stations, video games, board games, a wading pool, a ball pit, slides, and a stage and costumes for pretend play. But E, being shy and adverse to trying new things, did not like it. We tried to entice him to go many times the first few days until he finally told me matter-of-factly, "Mommy, I don't like the Fun Factory. It's not fun for me, it's not my kind of fun." Well, how could I make him go back after he told me that? But don't think it wasn't the looming threat every time he acted out. One night, he was throwing a tantrum at dinner. A girl at another table also had a screaming fit, and we saw her father storm out of the dining room with the girl kicking and screaming over his shoulder. "See that? He's taking her to the Fun Factory because she's not listening to her Mommy and Daddy! Maybe we should take you, too!"

Not to be outdone by her big brother, V had issues of her own. Like screaming at the top of her lungs every night at about 3am. Sometimes for a long time. Once, she cried so long that neighboring cabins complained to Guest Services. At 4:30am I got a call from the concierge asking if we could do something about our baby. "Please pick her up or something," the lady on the other end of the phone said. Oh, picking her up? Was that the secret to making her stop? We fed her, changed her, rocked her, walked her, shushed her, sang to her, gave her her monkey buddy and turned on her music box - all we needed to do was pick her up? You can imagine how we received that feedback after dealing with her screaming for 90 minutes.

V also refused to sit in her high chair at meal times. She would take all that fancy silverware and fling it. Or scream. She's good at screaming because she gets lots of practice. My husband and I ended up having to take turns eating while the other held darling daughter, lest she throw a colossal tantrum. (The Fun Factory threat did not work on her, as they do not take kids who are not potty-trained.)

Among the things both children protested: being forced to dress up for dinner; having to eat dinner at 6:00pm, at which time they are not actually hungry; having fruit juice restricted from their diet after day 8, when we realized that the crash from a sugar high made all the aforementioned worse; having only one channel to watch on the stateroom TV (Cartoon Network - en Espanol! "Mommy, what are they saying?!"); having to wake up by a certain time to get to breakfast; and generally, having to spend all day and night with Mommy and Daddy (I heard, "Mommy, I don't love you. Go away! I want Grandma!" more times than any mother should have to hear in her life). Actually, I'm with you on that one, kids!

Where was Grandma in all of this, you may ask? The mastermind behind all of this was there, caving in to every request (candy canes and ice cream for dinner? Why not - it's Christmas time!) and winding the kids up to a frenzy so that they could be returned to us in a hyper and truculent state. She did baby sit for us, for which we were very grateful, but most of the time, she was hanging with my family (Mah Jong rules!) or going out on excursions.

Ironically, on Christmas day, my parents booked dinner at the specialty (read: fancy-pants and not suitable for kids) restaurant on-board, and we spent Christmas dinner on our own. It was a formal dinner, which the kids hated being dressed for, and I can't say that I was thrilled with dressing up either, seeing as how the clasp on V's shoes got caught on my cocktail dress and ruined it.

But I can't even blame my mom, because she really thought we would all have fun. And she paid for the tickets. I just have to look back on it and try to laugh. We laugh because if we don't, we'll cry.

So if you are thinking of going on a cruise with children under four, you may want to think twice. As for us, no more cruising until the kids are at least five. I think next time, I'd rather go stay with Rosie and the dogs. That sounds more relaxing.