Back in January, I weaned V from six nursing sessions a day to five. After all, she was eight months old by then and eating a variety of solids. The plan was to cut one nursing every other month until I got down to three times a day. The plan was solid: four nursings at ten months, then three nursings at a year, and then I would let V determine when to wean altogether.
It turns out that V is ready now, at 10 months old. Mornings and bedtimes, she is a voracious little eater at the breast, but the rest of the day... meh. She'd rather crawl, babble, suck on her fingers, grab the nearest toy (that would be defined as anything in her reach), or just stare at me and laugh.
Like any mother would do, my first instinct was to blame myself: Am I not making enough milk? Is it something in my diet? Am I too stressed out from work to let down? (Hey, when did my Mom rent a space in my inner monologue?!) Then like any good Chinese mom, I blamed V: Is she not latching well because of her teething and getting frustrated? Is her wiggling preventing the let down from happening?
It turns out she's just ready early, not like E who I breastfed until he was 15 months old. Not that I haven't tried everything I could think of to prolong the breastfeeding. I have tried pumping to increase supply, as well as fenugreek (which it turns out can cause massive diarrhea in about 10% of the people who take it, and I'm one of those lucky 10%). I tried sensory deprivation, feeding her in a pitch black room with no sound (that would be the toilet closet of one of our bathrooms - very sanitary eh?). I tried feeding her consistently at the same time.
It's only been six weeks since V lost interest, so obviously I haven't tried anything for that long a duration, but between the fenugreek and the sensory deprivation, I can sit on my toilet for only so long. I finally decided that if she doesn't want it, why should I continually try to force it on her? It's just causing me more stress.
So I still offer her the breast, and if she's not interested, I pump what little I can. I just bought some formula yesterday, and she seems OK drinking it from a bottle or cup. The formula is still my backup for now, but I've finally come to terms with the fact that V will probably be fully weaned by the time she turns one.
I don't know why it seems so bittersweet that she's not interested anymore. Breastfeeding is kind of a pain. And I still have our early morning and late night cuddle-time. Maybe I just miss all the extra calories I would burn. Maybe I have been brainwashed by the lactation nazis who say that mothers who don't breastfeed for the entire first year don't really love their children.
But at the end of the day, the one person for whom the breastfeeding matters most is interested in doing something else, so if she is giving me permission to let it go, I guess I should graciously accept it.
1 comment:
I think you're doing a great job. As a fellow breastfeeding mom, I know how discouraging and undermining lots of mothers' comments are when it comes to breastfeeding. My motto is "we do the best we can with what we got." You've done the best you can with your children. I think that's great and applaud you. (and maybe envy you a little, because my little one is only 6 months old and still nursing strong; I work fulltime away from him, so I have to pump 3x/day; --I sorta look forward to the day when nursing ends, though I know I will miss it too.)
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