Going to the Dark Side

Every mother has this epiphany at some point in her life. Maybe your child is raising hell on a day when you're just not in the mood to cope, or maybe you just had a bad day and unwittingly took it out on your family. But at some point, in a fit of anger, disappointment, or just plain exhaustion, you will say something to your child, and those words that come out might be in your voice, but they aren't yours. They are YOUR MOTHER'S. Then you realize in horror, "I've become my Mom!!!"

It's particularly bad for me, because it reaffirms that I am now a "Chinese Mom". The Chinese Mom is an interesting breed of mother, one part dragon lady, one part Jewish Mom. My mother is a prototypical example: she is 5 feet 4 inches of impossibly high expectations and overwhelming love of the smothering variety, wrapped in cashmere and topped with a short fuse. She is always at the ready with her unsolicited advice and quick to voice her sheer disappointment with you at every turn.

So I've been upset with myself for being so disappointed in the lack of progress my son E is making in the potty-training area. E will be three in March, and he is still refusing to poop in the potty. He is a whiz at peeing (no pun intended), but he just will not poop anywhere but in his diaper. Recently, after a particularly messy poopy incident (my husband was cleaning poop off the ceiling, and we'll leave it at that), I was so frustrated, I actually channelled my mother when I told E, "You are big boy now! You need to learn to poop in the potty! You know how to do this, do this so Mommy will love her big boy."

What?! Did I just imply that I would withhold love from my son if he wouldn't poop in the potty?! What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm a Chinese Mom. The poop on the ceiling was a little scary, but not as scary as my reaction to it.

These days, I try to scrutinize my emotions a bit before expressing them to the kids. The self-censorship goes like this: "Is this something Mom would say to me? If yes, then it's probably better left unsaid." It's hard to fight those Chinese mom genes, but I remember how crappy my mother could make me feel when I was little, so it's a battle worth fighting.